249

Write an article about the ongoing legal dispute between Five Guys and the June-only pop-up burger joint Five Gays.

246

Write a magazine profile for the hottest new celebutante in the ding dong ditching scene, Kim Doordashian.

528

Write a warning for anybody about to break your heart or into your house. It’s usually somebody you know, too. That’s my warning for you.

749

Write a children’s story about the naughty and single Miss Behave and her sister-in-law, the married and proper Mrs. Behave.

389

Write a list of things your dog has done wrong. Or skip writing today, since dogs can’t do anything wrong.

933

Write a scene where the pig and the sheep first meet in the new barnyard rom-com “10 Things I Hate About Ewe”.

1022

Write a warning for an employee whom you’re sure is eating all of the office supplies, but the only evidence is on their hips.

828

Write a series of increasingly outlandish hand soap names for a business that rhymes with “Ath & Body Works”.

119

Write instructions for mending a broken heart. Count how many times you used the word “chocolate”.

512

Write a series of passive aggressive sticky notes and place them around your home. If you don’t have a home you can skip writing today.

925

Write directions for cooking your favorite meal but replace all of the ingredients with office supplies.

830

Write a definition for a word in the dictionary that you don’t know. If you can’t find a word you don’t understand, you’re a know-it-all and I hate you.

795

Write out a list of work references and ask yourself why you aren’t surrounded by successful people like that all the time, Bill.

127

Write the closed captioning for an episode of television. Leave the volume muted during transcription.

566

Write a missed connection for somebody who cut you off on the freeway. It’s… it’s complicated.

237

Write a horoscope. Use a thesaurus to replace all the words you have written. Do this for ten more horoscopes and you’re good for monetization.

332

Write a detention slip for a kid you suspect isn’t a kid, but is actually a 40 year old man. You can’t prove it but you’re right about this one.

675

Write a math problem involving babies and stolen candy or candy and stolen babies.

855

Write a short story about Thursdays being illegal. And you’re guilty.

427

Write an article about the ongoing legal litigation between Starbucks and the first coffee shop in outer space – also named Starbucks.

479

Write an autopsy report in which the discovery of a third major American political party is made in the deceased’s colon.

984

Write a new book of the Bible where Jesus Christ comes back to the DMV and dies for everybody’s renewal fees .

1029

Write a speech for Abraham Lincoln if he survived his assassination attempt and John Wilkes Booth didn’t.

363

Write a testimonial for a product called “Turkey Milk”. Keep in mind, there’s more money in it for you if you don’t mention the taste or texture. Or color.

758

Write a letter to an institutional learning facility that was recently renamed after you. Urge them to reconsider that decision.

286

Write an eviction notice for a tenant who never missed a rent payment, never paid late, and never did anything wrong, ever.

306

Write a list of rules for anybody coming over and using your pool. If you don’t have a pool then there are no rules.

899

Write your very own theme song. Consider whether you’re a comedy, a drama, or soon-to-be canceled on Netflix.

533

Write a review for a coffee shop that wrote “Todd” on your cup but your name isn’t Todd. It doesn’t even rhyme with Todd.

And if your name is Todd? You got decaf.

90

Write a letter to your dog. If you don’t have a dog, write a letter to somebody else’s dog, but don’t mail it. Not again.

655

Write a review for a musical called “It’s Not You, It’s Us”. You got the tickets for free, but you had to pay for parking. It was a long walk to the theatre.

900

Write an article concerning Emily Blunt and her ongoing legal battle with a marijuana dispensary doing business as “Emily’s Blunts”.

163

Write about ants. Ants are the worst. Never mind, don’t write about ants. Skip writing today.

601

Write about a honeymoon on the moon that ends in a divorce. Nobody can say “I need some space.”

87

Write what your last meal would be if you were on death row. And think about what you’ve done.

12

Write about a person who goes to the hospital because of Flaming Hot Cheetos, but not because of eating Flaming Hot Cheetos.

550

Write about a man who hears Mexican radio all the time. It’s like Tinnitus, but with Mexican radio. All the time.

95

Write about a bad date you’ve been on. If you’ve never been on a bad date, you’re a bad date.

712

Write about seeing your grandpa at Sonic – he’s working the drive-thru. And he’s been dead for ten years.

218

Write about a baseball player who doesn’t like playing baseball, but he’s in the World Series tonight.

851

Write about the most recent imposter you have met. If you haven’t met an imposter, you’re the imposter.

76

Write about being accused of cheating on a tv game show when you are, in fact, cheating.